I think the person I have the hardest time being earnest with is myself. I have long sought things or titles or prestige in some manner or another. Take my most recent venture in school as an example. I was working towards a PhD for the second time. No, I don't already have one. I spent a year working on a PhD previously, then I left that program, and my family and I moved back to our house. I then whined about wanting to get a PhD and started another program a little over a year ago. I have since left that program as well. My sincere (dare I say earnest?) hope is that I have finally learned my lesson. If I am being earnest with myself, I have always wanted to be a doctor of some sort so that I can be big-headed and call myself Dr. Myers. That is a lousy reason to want to get a doctorate of any type. It only took me two attempts, and many years besides thinking about it, to realize that was what I was after. I wanted to feel prominent. Why I wanted to feel that way is something that I still haven't sorted out. I am typically an unassuming person that does not seek recognition or acclaim (I am being earnest here).
In pursuit of unvarnished truth (earnestness, perhaps), I admit that I have tried to define my importance by seeking a title. I wanted to be able to say that I was Mr. Dr. Know-it-all. I realize now that that doesn't really matter for me. Now just to be clear, I am not disparaging folks who have PhD's I have a great deal of respect for many of my old professors, and very little respect for some other of my old professors. I have learned that the title does not define the person. That may be an obvious thing for some (many?) of you, but it has taken me a while to get there, mostly because I wanted to define myself by a title. If you have read my other blog posts, you will no doubt realize that on some things I am painfully slow to catch on.
So now I know that I will not pursue a doctorate in anything. I am a seeker. I am always searching for a way to define myself because I fear that if I don't define me then others will. And I am not comfortable with that notion. I am realizing that I need to define myself by my service to others, by the relationships that I cultivate, by the faith that I truly embody (not just what I say I follow), by the legacy that I build while I am on this Earth, and by being earnest.